This Is The Last Time, I Won't Hurt You Anymore
by XxBuzzBuzz
Summary: "You once said a captain can not cheat death, and yet I did. So why is it I wish I hadn't." Spock/Kirk Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

He couldn't even begin to explain the emptiness that filled him at that moment. It was almost as if his mood had changed to match that of the hand he was holding. Cold and lifeless.

'Jim…'

He heard his friends voice, but it sounded more like a muffled whisper. It was like everything around him was beginning to blur and loose its presence. Everything was loosing focus, until he could see the only thing his eyes were fixed on for the past few months. His mother.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He shouldn't be sitting in this chair right now holding onto her lifeless hand, she should be gripping his back and smiling at him. Her chest should be rising to take in slow shallow breaths, but instead it was flat and still. Those eyes should be filled with life, yet it seemed as if someone had taken all the color away.

'…Captain.' A warm hand slowly clapped onto his shoulder, instantly bringing him back. He let out a choked breath while his brain registered what had just happened. He was sitting here in this hospital right now. He was holding his mothers hand with desperation. His mother was dead. She had died.

'…' Jim's throat burned as soon as his lips had parted. The cold air suddenly bringing his throat back to the realization he had been choking back sobs. His mouth stayed open as he tried to process a response, yet all he could mutter was a silent whimper.

'Captain…I think it would be best to remove you from-' Jim suddenly came back to the realization that Spock's hand was still pressed against his shoulder. It felt wrong, it just felt so unfair. Why was it his hand could be emitting heat onto Jim's shoulder but his mothers could not. He squeezed his mothers hand once again, hoping…praying that she would squeeze his back in return. That she would comfort him and tell him it would all be okay. So he could wake up from this nightmare.

'No.' Jim replied, his voice not giving off any emotion as he shrugged Spock's hand away from the touch. He didn't have to look in order to know that the Vulcan just simply shook it off, clasping his hands behind his back once more. That Bones was looking at him with worried eyes that matched Scotty's.

This wasn't how he expected to spend his shore leave, especially not this close to Christmas. He was thrown into this mess from the day he went home and she wasn't there. As soon as he wondered into the kitchen to find Frank plastered instead of his mother cooking his favorite dinner, that's when he knew. Something wasn't right, it just wasn't clicking. Nothing about those few seconds had felt like home, so when Frank began to slur and cuss about how this was his fault it destroyed him.

_ 'She's dieing because of you.'_

He remembered that sinking feeling when he saw her in the hospital bed for the first time. The way her face was sunken in, slowly molding away. That smile she gave when seeing him, almost looking ashamed. How the doctor pulled him to the side to explain the situation to him more clearly. The self hate that consumed his body with those few words.

_ 'Your mother has been literally killing herself with drugs.'_

All this had happened because she chose to let it happen. She had long sense decided to end her own life. This wasn't an over night decision, there was no way it could be. Because that wasn't an overnight effect on her body. Her body had been tortured for years with drugs and self harm. This was her plan, and it was something she had went through with.

Slowly he raised himself from the chair, not once meeting the gaze of those that filled the room. He couldn't bring himself to, it was too soon for that.

'Jim?' Bones voice questioned as Jim passed him, slowly making his way to the other side of his mothers bed. He didn't bother to respond, but instead looked at the gifts set on table beside his mother…most of which had come from him. He felt his stomach begin to twist at the sick joke labeled on most of the items.

_'get well soon.'_

'Captain…?' Spock's voice echoed once more.

And that's when he lost it.

His arms shadowed over all the items on the table, swiftly smashing everything to the floor. Jim's focus going back to the items he had missed. Picking them up one by one, throwing them against the doors and the windows. Each vase filled with flowers smashing at the impact, water and glass both flying everywhere.

'Captain.' Spock's voice slightly shouted. He only ignored the commanders eager voice, ripping the curtains from there place.

'Captain!' Again he gave the Vulcan no acknowledgment as he threw the tray of food and water to the floor.

'Jim!' And before Kirk could reach the sheets spread across his mother, a pair of strong arms clasped around him. He began to throw his body left and right to escape Spock's hold, but only failed as his friend stood his ground. The adrenaline coursing through his body quickly changed from anger to fear, and from fear to sadness, and from sadness into nothingness.

He felt the Vulcan's grip begin to loosen as his own body began slump. He didn't want to stand anymore, so as soon as the Vulcan released his grip, he fell forward. His arms shivering across his mothers legs, his knees dropping to the cold tile below him, and his head…breaking out silent sobs into her bed.

_ 'I want you to know I'm sorry for not being at your graduation. I'm sorry for not letting you know how proud I was…how proud I am. I'm a coward for what I'm putting you through right now. Yet your still being my brave little man and staying here with me-'_

_ 'Don't talk like that.' Jim smiled bringing the cup back up to her lips. 'Your going to be better and out of here in time for Christmas.'_

_ '…James-'_

_ 'No, I'm serious.' Placing to cup back to the side of the table, he brought his hands back to meet her own. 'Your going to have to be at home, I mean…who else is going to cook me dinner? Hopefully not Frank.' Jim gave his mother a quick wink and gently began to rub her arms. 'I promise.' _

_ '…James.' _

_ 'Hm?'_

_ '…Do not make promises you can not keep.' _


	2. Chapter 2

It took everything thing he had left in his own body to walk back through these doors. The doors to his mothers home. However, he couldn't really say that anymore now could he? This was no longer her home, not anymore. This was now Frank's and Frank's alone.

His feet automatically seemed to stop right as the familiar scent hit him. Even though this was no longer her home, it was still covered in her scent. Jim instantly smiled to himself as he tried to explain what it smelled like to his own mind. He couldn't even pin point it to an _actual_ smell. It just smelt like her hugs, her clothes, it just smelt…like _her._

'C-captain are you feeling okay?' He could instantly hear the stutter Spock had let slip, although Jim couldn't blame him. Not after that outbreak he just had in the hospital. To be honest, if Bones hadn't told him all the things he began to throw and break…he would have no idea what happened. One moment his mother was gone, and the next Spock's arms were holding him back from her bed.

'I'm fine.' Jim replied with a fake smile plastered over his face. 'Look, I know you promised Bones you would help escort me back to the ship. But, sense the ship doesn't leave until tomorrow night…I think I'm going to stay the night here.' Spock tensed a little, a hint of worry hitting his eyes for only mere seconds.

'Are you sure that would be the best action to take captain? After the…_events_ that have happened today, would it not best suit you to stay somewhere you are not alone?'

'I'll have Frank.'

'Again, somewhere you are not alone.' Jim couldn't help but smile at the Vulcan. For someone that displayed no emotions, being a sarcastic ass hole was sure something he did often. Spock just simply raised his eyebrows, obviously hinting that he didn't understand what was so funny.

Jim knew the Vulcan better then that though.

'I'll be fine. I just want to watch over Frank as well…you know? To make sure he is okay.' Jim saw the slight roll of Spock's eyes, but really couldn't blame him. Not even he bought what he just said. This was Frank after all. 'Look…I just need to be alone for awhile okay?'

'With Frank still in the house you will not _truly_ be alone.' It was Jim's turn to roll his eyes.

'No…_technically_ I will not be alone, but you yourself just said his company is no better then being alone.' Again, Spock raised his eyebrows and turned to look at Jim.

'You are misunderstanding my previous comment. I was implying that you should not be alone without having someone in your presence. That someone being a person that would be there for you if you may need it. Frank does not fall under that circumstance of situation.' Jim opened his mouth to protest but was quickly cut off as the Vulcan spoke once more. 'When you refer to _being alone_, you want to be the only one in a certain space. You want to not be surrounded by any type of life form, Frank is however a living being. So you would not be alone Captain.'

Jim slowly took a step away from Spock and sighed. He honestly didn't feel like arguing right now, he just wanted to march up stairs and sleep.

So he would never have to wake up again.

'Frank will be down stairs half the time drinking anyway Spock. I will be upstairs…in my old room…alone. I will be as alone as I need to be for the moment.'

'So the presence of another being in the house does not bother you? Just as long as it is not in the same exact room as you.'

'Exactly.' Jim smiled weakly, placing his hands onto the door. He let his Gaze fall with Spock's for a little while, hoping the Vulcan would catch the hint it was time to go. To his disbelief though, Spock walked straight past Jim…Causing him to drop his arm down in response.

'Good to know captain, I will be staying the night here with you then.' He swore to god if that bastard was facing him at the moment, smug would be the definition to that Vulcan's face.

'What?' he quickly stepped away from the door to cut Spock off once again. 'No Spock. Did you not hear me? I want to be _alone._ What part of that do you not understand?'

'I understand completely. As long as the other being is not in your desired area then you are alone correct?' Pointy eared son of a bitch. Using things against him like this.

'Spock-' Jim simply caught his own words and stopped. There was no point in arguing with Spock, he wouldn't win this. Plus he didn't have the energy for it at the moment. He just wanted to sleep so bad. He just wanted to close his eyes and not have to worry about opening them once more. And if he did have to open them, then he better open them up to his mothers warm face…so all of this could be a nightmare. 'I'll get you blankets and you can have the couch if you want. I don't have much to offer you here, Frank will be in my mo- His room, and I will be in mine. So all that's really left is the couch.'

'That is…fine Captain. I do no require the blankets however. Your house seems to be at a very decent temperature. So-'

'Is this what it felt like for you?' Jim cut him off, refusing to meet Spock's eyes.

'I…do not…understand what you are asking Captain.' Spock's posture stiffened a little as the question left his captain mouth.

'I know you know what I'm talking about Spock.' Jim shook his head a little irritated and met those dark eyes in front of him. 'When your planet was destroyed and you lost her. Was this what it felt like? To see it happening, to know it was going to happen regardless of what you did, and to just have her gone in mere seconds.' Again his vision began to blur, but not out of confusion or anger…just tears he held back. Tears that not even Spock could really tell were there. 'I-I…I can't even remember the last thing I said to her Spock. What if it was something horrible. What if it was something stupid. What if-'

'Please don't leave me, not now.' Spock blurted out, cutting Jim off.

'Wha-'

'That was what you last said to her Captain. Those were your last words as she began to slip away.' Jim had no words to respond as the memories slipped back to him. The memories of his mothers last few seconds on earth.

_ 'I'm so sorry.' Her voice sounded so soft and precious to him. He knew these were the last few minutes she would have. So every word that left the familiar mouth was treated as a treasure._

_ 'Don't be.' _

_ She should be sorry! How could she? How could she just decide so easily to unplug the life support on her own? Why didn't she ask him what he wanted. What he thought of the situation. What he needed. _

_ 'I'm so proud of you. Your growing up to be just like your dad you know that?' Usually the comparison to his dad would get him worked up, but the relaxed smile on her face told him otherwise. His father was everything to her, and a good man. He proved himself right and saved so many lives, yet now he was taking the most important one away. He knew his mother would soon be with his dad. That she would be happy as soon as they were reunited, but he didn't want that. Not yet, not now. _

_ 'I…I know.' he gripped her hand a little too tightly, yet all she did was smile._

_ 'I…' The beeping in the background began to fade more and more. Becoming slower and slower with each passing second. 'I love you.' _

_ 'I love you too…' His own mouth stayed open for a little while longer. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to say, so much that could be said, but…not enough time to say it. Whatever he said now would be it, whatever were to leave his mouth at this moment would be that. Yet he couldn't find any words to say, anything to clear up all the things he needed to. He needed to apologize for not visiting more. He needed her to know how sorry he was he didn't realize what she was doing to herself before it was too late. He needed her to know just everything. All of it. All the stories he never got to tell her, all the people she never got to meet, and all the places he wished she could see. _

_ Beep. _

_ Not now, please._

_ Beep. _

_ Just a little longer please._

_ Beep._

_ Give me a few more days._

_ Beep._

_ Give me anything._

_ Beep._

_ Please._

_ …_

_ 'please don't leave me, not now.' and as those final words left his mouth, a flat line ring followed close behind. Mocking at him._


	3. Chapter 3

Jim jolted up in his bed for the 5th time that night, the pile of sweat only growing. This time however, he woke up with hoarse scream. He honestly thought after all that had happened, that falling asleep would be his main problem. Not staying asleep, that should have been the easy part.

It seemed each time he tried to close his tired eyes, he was only awoken hours later. Nightmares just swimming through his mind like hungry sharks, and he was the bait. Jim couldn't seem to even have a few minutes of peace before they lurked there way back into his mind.

Either his moms dead body was grasping onto him, yelling that this was all his fault. How easily it could have been avoided if he had only checked on her some more. The feeling of her cold dead hands gripping onto his arms. The way her lifeless body screamed into his face with unfamiliar eyes.

That or he just relived the moment she died. How he begged her to stay but only had his words betray him in response. Yet he continued to beg, despite the worried eyes of Spock, Bones, and Scotty. He sat there and held onto her lifeless hand…begging.

_ Knock. Knock._

'Captain?' Jim rolled his eyes at the Vulcan's voice. Of course Spock would come to check on him after the scream, it was only _logical. _

'…I'm fine.' He replied, hoping Spock would catch the hint.

'May I come in?'

Of course he wouldn't get the hint. He never got the hints.

'No…' Jim sighed. '…Yes, come in.'

Not wanting to be seen in such a pathetic state, Jim quickly removed himself from the bed. He looked down at his body and almost wanted to laugh for even thinking it wouldn't be noticeable. His body was shiny from the sweat, his eyes red from the tears, and face darkened by the lack of sleep. He in all senses looked no better then the living dead.

'I heard a scream come from your room, and seeing how you're the only thing in here capable of making such a noise…I came to see if you were alright captain.' Jim couldn't help the jump his body made. With being so worried in his own appearance, he didn't even notice the Vulcan come in. Bringing a hand up to meet his head, Jim slowly ran his fingers through his own hair.

'Yeah…well I'm fine. Just…a bad dream is all.'

'Very well. Then I will leave you to get more rest.' Spock turned to face the door and gave his captain a quick glance. 'Goodnight capt-'

'Spock wait.' Before Jim could even process those words, they just came out. Now he was stuck at a point of not knowing exactly what he expected to say next. He didn't exactly want Spock to leave…but he didn't want him to stay either. He didn't really know what he wanted at this moment. He was always taught to just push his feelings aside and continue on, but for some reason…this situation was much harder then the previous. 'Can you-' Stay? No that would sound too childish. 'Can….may we talk?'

'About what matter do you wish to speak of?'

**_ Always with the damn questions._**

Jim shook his head and let out a noise Spock could only describe as an animalistic growl.

'Just…sit down on the bed and talk with me Spock. About anything…something…I don't know. I honestly don't care what we talk about at the moment. Just as long as we talk about _something_.'

'We can talk about anything?' Jim nodded in response and took a seat on the corner of the bed, his eyes slowly waiting for Spock to join him.

'Yeah…anything.'

'Very well…' Spock moved over to join Jim on the bed, sitting at a far enough distance. 'How are you…_feeling_ captain?'

Jim instantly shot his head up to meet Spock's gaze. He couldn't really tell if he wanted to punch the Vulcan for being such an ignorant bastard, or answer his question.

'Why would you want to know that?'

'I don't want to know, I simply need to know Captain. Tomorrow we return to the Enterprise and I must make sure you are fit enough to remain in the position of…being our Captain.'

Jim snorted.

'Well if that's all you need to know, then no Spock. I am not fit enough to remain Captain.' Guess that answered his question, he most defiantly wanted to **_punch_** Spock. Jim shook his head in disbelief, letting his gaze drop from the Vulcan and back to his hands. 'Now lets talk about something else.'

'Captain…' Spock slowly scooted closer to Jim and nested a hand upon his shoulder. 'How…are you feeling?'

'How am I feeling?' Jim laughed, repeating the question to himself once more. 'I don't know how I'm feeling Spock. I just feel so many different things right now, things that I feel weak for. I feel like a failure to her…like this was all my fault. That if I had only been there for her before this all went down, that she would still be here. I feel like a selfish ass hole. Why was it fair for me to get a second chance at life? You once told me a captain could not cheat death, and yet I did. So why is it I wish I hadn't? I-'

'You wish to not be living anymore?' If Jim wasn't crazy, he would have swore he heard a twinge of concern come from the Vulcan.

'Well…I don't know. I mean…its not that I want to just end my own life. I wouldn't be able to do that…I'm too much of a coward for it. Yet, if a car were coming down the street and I just so happened to be in its path of impact. I don't think I would jump out of the way.' It took so much for Jim to admit, but he had too. He knew either way the Vulcan would see through his lies, so why bother? It was just a much easier path this way, but with the look Spock was giving him…he would take those words back instantly. He almost seemed to look…hurt…or confused. That was crazy though right? Vulcan's don't show emotions.

Spock wasn't fully a Vulcan though.

'Jim-'

'No Spock, I've heard it all before trust me. Do you know why I hate my father so much?' Jim then turned his body to face Spock's, a knot quickly building up in his stomach. 'Everyone knows who he is. Everyone knows how he died. From day one I had this expectation to live up to, and if I didn't live up to it…then who exactly am I? A nobody. If I didn't die the way I had that day, I wouldn't have been in the papers as the 'Great captain James T. Kirk'. I would have died as my fathers son, with some stupid headline along the line of 'Another sad loss to this mans amazing family.' I would have been nothing Spock. I would have just been the son who fucked up. The son who didn't live up to be like his father, and now you know where that's going to leave my mother? Just like it would have left me. Nowhere.'

Spock stayed silent and stared at his Captain, daring to reach his hand across Jim's cheeks.

'What are you-'

'You had previously asked me if this is what it felt like when my own mother had passed. I can not explain, so please…' Spock scooted even closer, his hands pushing against Jim's temples. 'Let me show you.'

'Spo-' And before Jim could even finish, a flash of white hazed over. Almost instantly his own mind and Spock's had been combined into a jumbled mess. So as soon as he felt the Vulcan's emotions entangling with his own, he knew exactly what he was pulled into. A mind meld.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim felt like he was thrown against a wall as Spock's thoughts of that day broke into his mind. The day his precious planet was destroyed and his world was taken away from him.

He could feel the way Spock's stomach dropped as the earth began to crumble around his family. The way a burst of emotions tried to escape his throat as his mother fell to her death. The complete emptiness that replaced those emotions when he appeared back on the enterprise. As it continued though, it was nothing but pitch black until the moment Jim had started to yell at him.

Spock had completely blacked out that day. Refusing to feel any form of emotion…that is until Jim _forced_ him to.

Before Jim could even see the effect he had on Spock, he was instantly pushed out of the Vulcan's mind.

'So…so you do feel.' Jim said, gasping for air.

'It some incidents…yes, I do.'

'Just not all the time?' Spock nodded his head in response to Jim's question. It wasn't until the Vulcan felt Jim's arm brush against his own, had he noticed how close he had allowed himself to be. Without trying to seem too obvious, Spock slowly scooted further and further from his original place. 'Jesus Spock, I don't bite.' Kirk chuckled, not noticing the green tint that boiled on his friends face.

'I assure you Captain that I know that but-'

'Oh do you now?' Again, another laugh seemed to escape Jim's lips as he shot Spock a twisted smile. 'Trust me, I've bitten a lot of people.'

'…Captain-'

'Save it.' Kirk smiled while bringing a hand to cup Spock's shoulder. 'Just go back and try to get some sleep okay?'

'…' Spock started at Jim for a good amount of time. He could feel the emotions seeping through Jim's touch and wasn't quite sure of what to think about it. He was letting off fear, contentment, guilt, and shame. So many emotions that just didn't seem to coexist with one another. Something just seemed…off. 'Very well Captain…just as long as you decide to do the same.'

'I promise, I will get plenty of rest.' The guilt and shame seemed to grow stronger as his captain spoke. 'More then I need.' and before the Vulcan could even process the emotions that shadowed those words, the contact was lost. Jim slowly walked over to his door and smiled at the Vulcan, raising his hands in a gesture for Spock to leave. 'Goodnight.'

-x- -x- -x- -x- -x-

Jim couldn't properly hold himself up, both hands spread across the nightstand. It had been so long sense he had done any form of drugs. So when he found his moms hidden stash, he knew he was in for a hell of a time. Out of all the places she could have chosen to hide them in, it had to be his old room. Of course it made sense though, when she felt she needed him…she came in here. Jim was no longer there anymore though, he couldn't be there for her when Frank decided to beat and abuse her…she no longer had him as comfort. So she choice these drugs as a replacement.

He didn't quit understand it though, why she had chosen this particular drug. It didn't seem to make anything numb or form a different reality. No, it did everything opposite to it. All the emotions Jim had felt before were only increased after he popped the pills into his mouth. Everything seemed so much worse, every touch seemed so much more real, and in all honesty it sucked. It hurt so damn much.

He felt like he could no longer control his lungs as he began to gasp for breath, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. It felt like someone was smashing his body with a brick wall. Jim felt so suffocated and everything just ached and hurt. It took all he had in him not to scream out in pain. Not to cry for help. He just felt…like he was dieing.

And finally it hit him as he collapsed back onto the bed, letting the drug continue its effect. His mother was taking this drug to get used to the pain. To get used to all the things she would later on feel. She was preparing herself for what she was doing to her body. His mother was just getting ready for death. She was preparing herself to die.

He felt sick.

He just felt disgusted at the thought of his mother being in this same position. Picturing her laying on this same bed, gasping for breath. Staring at the ceiling, concentrating on every piece of wood. Focusing on there shapes and sizes, looking at anything and everything to distract away from the pain. Yet, nothing seemed to be working. He had no choice but to feel this pain.

Jim couldn't even stop the hoarse scream that escaped his lips as the drugs effects became even stronger. His body flashing from boiling hot to freezing cold in just mere seconds. Sweat running down his face and body. Every muscle in his body screamed at him as they pulsed violently against his flesh.

He slowly raised himself onto his elbows in attempt to get up. Jim couldn't stand laying there anymore, it just made it feel so much more real. The helplessness that came with no mobile movement. He didn't see how she had done this night after night. How she put her body through this more then once. It seemed impossible.

Just as he began to finally level himself onto his feet, a knock was heard from his door. It pounded deeply against his head as if someone had used a bat to his skull. Jim knew it was Spock, and wanted to tell him that he was fine. He didn't want Spock to know what he had taken. The Vulcan had already seen him so weak, and this…this was so much worse. Yet when he opened his mouth to protest, the air burned his throat. Taking away the last control of his body he had left.

'Captain?'

He felt his knees buckle forward, his hands quickly catching onto the dresser in front of him.

'Captain if you do not answer, I will be forced to let myself in.'

This time is was his arms to disobey him as they numbed. His grip loosening on the dresser far more quicker then he would have liked.

'…Captain this is the last time-'

Smack.

Jim's body crashed onto the floor only to be followed by a tremendous amount of pain. All his sense's heightened to such an extreme level, he just couldn't take it anymore. So he finally let go of all the pain he was holding back and began to scream in agony.

'Jim!' Spock was in the room within seconds, quickly sliding on the floor next to his captain. The Vulcan looked at him confused. Jim's screams echoing around the room as he tried to process what was wrong with the man in front of him.

He immediately noticed the sweat pouring off of his captain. He reached his hand to Kirk's skin to test how hot it was to the touch, but quickly pulled his hand back. As soon as his skin had made contact with Jim's, not only was it freezing but his emotions had flooded the Vulcan. The pain was so real, yet nothing seemed to be wrong with the man before him. He looked physically fine, so it had to be something internal.

Just as he went to reach for his communicator to contact Bones, Kirks eyes had met his own. His pupils were far more dilated then humanly possible. Just big circles of black starting straight into his own. Not one shade of blue was capable of being seen in his captain's eyes.

'Did you?' Spock softly spoke, anger clearly coating his words. His eyes quickly scanned he room and found a bottle of pills rested upon the bed. The emotions Kirk had let off earlier now made sense. He had planned on taking those pills as soon as the Vulcan had left the room. That explained the shame and guilt. The fear had to have been coming from Jim not knowing the effects it would cause. The contentment…being in the feeling he assumed to get from the drugs.

Spock bit his tongue in attempt to hold back his anger as he picked the human up from the ground. He gently place Jim back on the bed, taking a seat next to where he lay. His captain continued to scream in pain while he slowly ran his hands through the humans hair. Spock once remembered Jim telling him about how his mother would do this to comfort him. It must have triggered some response because as soon as he touched the humans flesh, the screaming ceased.

'I know you previously stated you wanted to be alone.' He continued to stroke through the mans hair. 'But I can not allow that for the rest of the night.'

'And when you are in proper condition to do so, we will talk about this…_**James**_.'


End file.
